A Look Back At 2016’s Top Stories

It’s that time of year that we take a look back at the top stories that shaped 2016.

Alien Election Intervention

The CIA released a report after the 2016 Presidential election accusing undocumented space travelers of interfering in the election.

One official said, “We have intercepted several phone calls by “advisers” to Clinton over the course of the entire campaign, telling her directly, ‘You are going to lose this election if you don’t get your head out of Uranus soon!’”.

Christmas Eve Terrorist Attack On Nakatomi Plaza

Terrorists seized the Nakatomi Plaza on Christmas Eve holding dozens hostages. The hostages were freed and the terrorists killed thanks to NYC Police Officer John McClane who was in town visiting his estranged wife and assistance from LADP Sgt. Al Powell.

Harambe The Gorilla Murdered

2016 brought the murder of beloved Gorilla Harambe. Harambe was needlessly shot down to protect the life of a mere human. Fans and protestors organized a Sling-In to honor him. In all over 100 people slung feces in each others faces, a touching tribute indeed.

CM Punk Achieves Humiliation Dream

Former WWE superstar CM Punk achieved his dream of being humiliated in a UFC arena. Punk hoped to be an inspiration to others saying, “I know there were a lot of doubters, but life is about falling down and getting back up. It doesn’t matter how many times you get knocked down, it’s about getting back up. And believe me, I got knocked down pretty quickly. Also I didn’t get back up, but that is not the point.”

An End To Intolerance

Finally fed up with intolerance, protestors took to the streets and shouted down and beat anyone who believed differently than them.

WWE Hall Of Famer Pete Rose To Be Inducted Into Reds Hall Of Fame

WWE Hall of Famer Pete Rose was inducted into MLB’s Cincinnati Reds Hall of Fame. Many MLB fans were upset calling it a publicity stunt by MLB, they noted Rose was never able to even accumulate 4,300 hits in his brief MLB stint.

Pokemon Go Blamed For Rise In Severe Sunburn Injuries

Pokemon Go became a viraal hit this year. It also was to blame for a severe increase in sunburn injuries. Chief Dermatologist at the Hellman’s Clinic explains, “Many of these poor gamers have developed a non genetic form of albinism. Years and years of being sheltered from sunlight in their parents basements and closed bedrooms with only the glare of their monitor providing artificial light has stunted their bodies ability to produce melanin, this in turn has caused a shock to their system when they enter the sunlight for periods of as little as twenty minutes.”

Those are the top stores of 2016. Or at least how we remembered them.

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